Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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