my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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