she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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