I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
