He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize