Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
