I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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