3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He kissed a someone with a penis
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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