I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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