my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My apartment stinks of burning failure
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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