There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
