i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
