So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
