Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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