I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
