the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
