New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
