Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
we're so committed to being not committed
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
