Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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