my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
