I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
There are leaves in my underwear?
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