Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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