Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
