You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
