I got her a Nickelback box set.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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