So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
