I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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