Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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