he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Ketchup is God's man juice
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
