uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
