it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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