I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
