In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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