Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
