I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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