Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
