I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
