Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You pole danced in your parka.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
