based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
