when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize