life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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