Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
