I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
