a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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