census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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