did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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