She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
