I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
