i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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