I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
