I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
