my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
