I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
