Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
