How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
