I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
