Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
