Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
