Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He passed out mid-signature
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
